The late Mitch Hedberg was hilarious. Listening to him makes me laugh so hard I snort.
I love the bit below. It includes his take on catch and release fishing. He says it's for people who "don't want to eat the fish but do want to make it late for something." And, "I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf."
Here's another. Includes, "I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."
Random: "If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."