Nicer New Year?

Andy Borowitz was on NPR yesterday lamenting, with the host, on the nastiness run amok during 2010. Congressional intransigence, name calling and the best of the worst, Pat Robertson blaming Haitians for the earthquake.

Andy is hilarious and his stories in the Borowitz Report are fiction. They're biting but, he doesn't demonize and doesn't scream. Or sound like a crazy person. At least in print.

The host highlighted a recent Borowitz Report, a reflection on the east coast snowstorm: "Pat Robertson: Snow is God's way of punishing Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay." Borowitz said, "it's disturbing how many thought it was a true story."

My wish for 2011: widespread adoption and demonstration of manners.

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Why I love John Hodgman

John Hodgman is one of the funniest people on the planet. He spoke at this year's White House Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. His biting, dry wit is beautiful. He refers to Mr. Obama as the first geek President and says, "it's an exciting time to be a nerd." He isn't quite sure what to think of the President's liking of sports, however. When he learned that Mr. Obama was attentive to the March Madness brackets, Hodgman "presumed ... it was some sort of obscure punctuation. I thought he was a typeface nerd. My kind of people." Rather, it's "some sort of sporty flowchart that I don't understand."

Speaking for the assembled, Hodgman says, "We are geeks. We are defined by our passions and enthusiasms but also by our open mindedness. Now is not the time for purity tests."

How did he get in the tree?

From the TODAY show, video about a puppy who got stuck in a tree.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And another treat for a cloudy day: Father Guido Sarducci on the Five-Minute University. Oh how I love Fr. Sarducci!

2 laughs for Wednesday

The Bugle referred to Al-Qaeda as "Everyone's least-favorite independent filmmakers."

This photo from a Tweet by eBeth

I'm not just being lazy

To set the record straight -- on days I post only "Dumb Dares for the Office," I'm not just being lazy. I am also sharing joy.

I like to read the dare, close my eyes and envision myself, or John Cleese as Basil Fawlty, doing said dare.

Put someone else's name on your lunch bag then prominently display the bag while you're eating.

With everything you say all day, roll your eyes.

When someone hands you a form or an envelope, caress it and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm. Yes, I've been expecting this one."

Give a colleague an unlabeled prescription bottle filled with mints or candy, and instruct them to withhold the "pills" no matter how hard you beg.

Palin & Clinton

Saturday Night Live ran this sketch of a faux Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton press conference. It's priceless! Tina Fey, playing Palin, is dead on with the accent (she really does sound like she stepped out the movie Fargo). Amy Poehler brilliantly captures Clinton's underlying rage. The script is great, particularly the first part which includes:

Clinton: I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
Palin: I can see Russia from my house!

World's bossiest airline

"My Airline," a snarky, clever essay by David Owen, is in response to the bazillion, death-by-papercut fees airlines now charge. The story appeared in the Shouts & Murmurs column of The New Yorker, July 7 & 14, 2008 edition. Full story here. A teaser:

My Airline
Luggage surcharges are old news at my airline. I’ve had them for years: for second bags that don’t contain golf clubs, for cardboard boxes held together with twine or duct tape, for long, rolled-up things that you bring into the cabin, and for any carry-on item that I have to help you stow or retrieve, or that you jam into the overhead compartment sideways, so that it crushes my sports coat, which I have folded using the time-tested inside-out method, or whose size forces me to place my briefcase in a compartment other than one directly over my row. The charge is fifty dollars, exact change only. From now on, I will also be charging fifty dollars for any piece of luggage on which you have written your name and address in gigantic letters.

Previously, at check-in, I have visually estimated your weight. From now on, you may be required to step onto the luggage scale. You must also certify, before boarding, that no part of your arm or torso will extend over your armrest and touch me or cause my arm or side to get hot at any time during the flight. If the test calipers at the boarding gate cannot be passed freely over your entire body, you will be required to purchase an additional ticket and to sit in the exact center of your two seats. Furthermore, you must keep your feet stowed directly in front of you at all times in such a way that your legs do not touch my legs or penetrate any part of the imaginary vertical plane separating your seating space from mine. Fifty dollars. More.

Hey, that's me!

I was at an art fair and saw this sign.

Overwhelmed and undermedicated

I think I'll make one. The version at the art fair wasn't very arty.

Mitch Hedberg

The late Mitch Hedberg was hilarious. Listening to him makes me laugh so hard I snort.

I love the bit below. It includes his take on catch and release fishing. He says it's for people who "don't want to eat the fish but do want to make it late for something." And, "I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf."



Here's another. Includes, "I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."

Random: "If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

German humor

I think this is funny. Not sure if it's because of the humor, because I find spilling on others figuratively funny, or because I actually understand it. Anyway, here it is (from Der Spiegel).
Kleine Unaufmerksamkeit des Hauses!
A little inattentiveness on the house. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!)

Notice to dogs and cats

I just received this from my cousin. It's an oldie but a goodie.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear.
I cannot stress this enough!

Little Mosque on the Prairie

I heard about "Little Mosque on the Prairie" on tonight's edition of Fresh Air. It's a comedy on the CBC about a group of Muslims living in a Canadian prairie town. The creator and producer is Zarqa Nawaz, a Muslim woman from Canada. The interview was quite interesting -- both about the show and about the producer's life as a Muslim in Canada.

The show sounds so very good. I hope it comes to the U.S. Here's a promo. There are more clips on the show's site.

SatireWire

One lovely thing about the Web is the plethora of cleverness. I came across SatireWire today (slogan: Because you can read and we have a Web site.) Unfortunately it discontinued in 2002. These stories are evergreen.

GOD NAMES NEXT "CHOSEN PEOPLE"; IT'S JEWS AGAIN
Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) Update — Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning.

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Happy Birthday Mark Twain

In school I wasn't a big Mark Twain fan. I didn't really identify with naughty adolescent boys, Tom and Huck. I've since I've changed my mind. I really think the intro for school kids should be something that grabs their attention -- his sharp wit! (Maybe there is sharp wit in the Tom and Huck stories but I didn't get it at the time. Neither did my classmates.)

In the great book Letters of the Century, there is a complaint letter from Twain to New York Western Union. He describes the telegraph service in York Harbor, Maine "the worst in the world except that Boston." He is referring to a telegram that he received too late to act:

The head corpse [throughout the letter referred to as h.c.] in the New York Harbor office sent me that telegram altho (1) he knew it would reach me too late to be of any value; (2) also, that he was going to send it to me by his boy; (3) that the boy would not take the trolley and come the 2 miles in 12 minutes, but would walk; (4) that he would be two hours and a quarter on the road; (5) and that he would collect 25 cents for transportation, for a telegram which the h.c. knew to be worthless before he started it.

And later,

The boy brought the telegram. It was bald-headed with age, but still legible.

I loved his book, A Tramp Abroad, about his travels in Germany and Switzerland in the late 1800s. It's an interesting travelogue and hilarious. It contains the famous The Awful German Language which is quite hilarious but kind of painful to read.

Here, in celebration of his 171st birthday, are a few more lovely quotes.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

Germans making fun of Bush

This video is priceless. Thanks to Julia who posted on her blog! It's nice to get another country's take on this very scary, crazy man. Very clever!

Is it Spam?

I just received an invitation to join the "sexy babies waiting group" on MySpace. That's the funniest thing I've read all day.

Kids on the phone

Today I called my nephew to thank him for the sweet note he sent me. (He's 6 and I had sent him some things for school.) After we had chatted awhile his phone started making a funny noise. Cale said the battery was going to run out so we had to stop talking. I told him I'd call him in a day or so to check on his knee. This followed:

Cale: Tomorrow?
Me: OK, I'll call you tomorrow.
Cale: Call at 3:30.
Me: Is that when you get home from school?
Cale: I think so. But if I'm not home you can call my Mom and get the number to the school and you can call me there. They'll get on the intercom.
Me: I hate to bother you at school. I know you're really busy.
Cale: It's OK, they use the intercom all the time.

Crazy person on the bus

Joseph Scrimshaw now has a blog, Crazy Person on the Bus. The Scrimshaw Brothers' shows are the best and funniest I've seen at the Fringe. How could you not like a group whose show titles include "Look Ma, No Pants," "Shut Your Joke Hole" and "Adventures in Mating"? Sadly, I did not make it to any Fringe shows this year. Pure madness. I'll need to make up for it next year.

Belly dancing lesson #2

I'’m finding belly dancing class a bit like geometry. Each week we build on what we learned the week prior. But if you didn't really cement last week's knowledge -- my story in both realms -- you'll have a bit of trouble with the new skills heaped on top of it.

Last night we learned '‘snake arms.'’ It looks so easy. Elbow, wrist, hand. Elbow, wrist, hand. And again, the great Middle Eastern music. We were practicing away and then the teacher had us traipse across the room in pairs so she could watch our form. And we could check our form in the big mirrors. Think of what Frankenstein'’s monster would look like doing snake arms. That'’s what it looked like. And it felt that way, too. On the isolations it'’s much easier to delude yourself into thinking you are a natural, or at the least not completely silly. Not so with the arms. That intentional flailing about reminded me of a quote from Sarah Vowell. "I moved through time and space with the grace and confidence of a puppy walking on a beach ball." (Listen to Sarah's marching band essay on This American Life episode 104, about 22 minutes into the show.)

Belly dancing only looks easy

Last night was the first night of belly dancing class. It's a great bit of fun and good exercise as well. Like yoga, belly dancing looks really easy. It's not. I love Middle Eastern music so it's not hard to move about while it's playing. But you are supposed to move an isolated part of your body, like your ribcage, and not shimmy all over the place. The studio mirrors are helpful. You can see if you're moving correctly. But that also means you can see what you're doing. That can be rather horrifying! I'm taking the class with a couple of friends from work. I've already made them swear that whatever happens in class, stays in class.